Adultery – it leads to disaster
ByOur pastor gave a powerful message this weekend. Of course, he usually does but this one hit a little close to home for me. You see I come from a broken home and it really stinks. I was little when things went wrong in our family so I can’t tell you exactly what went wrong from first-hand knowledge but from all indications and outward appearances I’m pretty sure that steps toward adultery were a large cause for the destruction of our family.
Anyway, our pastor is doing a series called Five Easy Steps to Wreck Your Life. The title of the series and the promotional videos are catchy and pretty funny but the subject matter definitely is not – and it shouldn’t be. This is serious stuff and too many people in our country have decided it’s no big deal and/or normal for this kind of behavior to occur. The first week, as you’ve probably already gathered from the title, was about adultery. I want to highlight his sermon this week in what will probably be a three-part series but if you have thirty minutes I would highly, HIGHLY recommend watching the message online. Whether you are a Christian or not and if you are married or ever plan to be married I promise it will be good information for you to hear.
First some statistics:
Up to 65% of husbands and 55% of wives will commit adultery by age 40. (Journal of Psychology & Christianity)
Percent of people who actually marry the forbidden lover – 3%
Percent of those marriages that end in divorce – 75%
The odds of a lasting marriage as a result – .075%!!
Pretty unbelievable stats, huh!!
So what things can pretty much guarantee that you will wreck your marriage and commit adultery? I’m glad you asked! Here are the five things our pastor gave us:
1. Neglect your marriage – if you aren’t paying attention to your spouse and making sure to invest time in your marriage it will suffer. It’s not a matter of if but when.
2. Enjoy common interests and form an emotional bond with someone else – if you are spending time sharing your thoughts and feelings with the opposite sex or if you are finding things that you enjoy doing and doing them with someone other than your spouse you are heading for trouble.
3. Anticipate time together – if you are sitting around thinking about the next time you’ll get to see this person and looking for ways to make that happen those are some serious red flags!
4. Flirt whenever possible – do you spend time flirting with people but saying you are just “friendly”? Flirting is flirting and you shouldn’t flirt with anyone but your spouse.
5. Make excuses and rationalize your actions – many people will say they aren’t committing adultery if they haven’t actually had s*x – that is 100% not true. Matthew 5:28 says “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Any time that you are spending intimate time with someone – even if it is “just” talking – you may not be physically cheating on your spouse but you are cheating emotionally. Just don’t do it!
If you have found yourself doing any of these five things you should really sit down and evaluate your marriage and how you’ve been treating it. Is is important to you? Is your spouse important to you? Are your children (if you have children) important to you? Hopefully you answered yes to all three of those questions. If so, I would encourage you to really work at fixing what’s wrong in your marriage. Watch this sermon – it will help you! Most importantly – pray for healing and seek help from a trusted marriage counselor. It can change your life!
In the next part of this series I’ll talk about what you can do to reduce the risks of committing adultery.
Excellent post, MLBH! Thanks for tackling a tough subject. One of the most chilling things I heard on a family Podcast once (can’t remember if it was Family Life Today or Focus on the Family) was that there is a point in these adulterous relationships before the physical part starts that virtually guarantees that they will end up getting physical.
In other words, these people do the things warned against above but haven’t gotten physical yet. They rationalize that the behavior is OK. But they have developed relationships to deeply and emotionally moved so far from their spouses that the physical step is almost completely assured.
Those stats are powerful as well. Even for those who do marry the “forbidden lover” / “soul mate” they indeed get divorced quite often. I actually feel sad for them: One day they’ll wake up and realize they married someone who left their last spouse when things got difficult or dull — forgetting that they did the same thing.
Thanks, Neil. It’s definitely a message that needs to be spoken. It’s been brushed under the rug or thought of has okay behavior for too long and it’s wreaking havoc on families.
I hope that people will watch the message and realize how important it is! I’ll be following this up with at least one if not two more posts about it this week and I’ll share some of my own personal experiences from the viewpoint of the child involved so check back!
[...] Apparently not. Posted on September 16, 2009 by Neil MomLovesBeingAtHome has a great post (Adultery – it leads to disaster) that reminded me of one of my least favorite terms: Soul mates. Go read her post about the [...]
My husband and I have a rule: we just don’t spend time alone with the opposite sex. EVER. No excuses, no exceptions. It isn’t a trust issue, it’s a flesh issue. Don’t open the door and you have nothing to worry about!
Oddly enough, I have two completely different experiences with this issue. My dad cheated on my mom when I was small BIG TIME. Some of my earliest memories are driving around in the car in the middle of the night, all of us girls in our jammies, looking for my dad. It most definitely destroyed their marriage.
Then when I was in high school my mom had an affair with a married man. It was awful. His wife would drive by our house (hello…just like we used to do!) and yell things at our house, ect. They divorced and my mom married him! They’ve been married almost twenty years, apparently one of the .075% you referenced. Weird.
That’s a great rule to have, Missy! We are the same way.
I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences with this issue. It’s so tough to deal with it as a child. I had to deal with it as well although my experiences were far different from yours in some ways. One similarity though – my dad married the woman that I’m pretty sure he left my mom for (I was little so I don’t know for sure what the true story is) and they are till married and it’s been about 30 years. Crazy!
The flip side of your list seems to be this:
Pay attention to your spouse. Invest time and energy in your marriage.
Flirt… with your spouse! Who wants to say their vows and never be flirted with again?
Find time to be a husband/wife to your spouse – date each other again. Set aside time for each other.
Never have “invisible friends.” Friends of the opposite sex are fine… but you and your hubby (or wife) should be doing things with that person (and his/her significant other, as applicable). Good parents ensure that their children don’t have invisible friends – that the parents know Amy and Danielle and whomever else little Susie is going to the mall with. Likewise, spouses should interact with each other’s friends.
Final thought: other friends and outside interests are not inherently bad things. It’s helpful for women to have their women interests and men to have their guy interests; it keeps the parties from smothering each other and enlivens a marriage.
Theo, your list is exactly right! I touched on that kind of stuff in my post today.
I agree with you that friends and outside interests are not bad things at all. It IS important to get out and do things and live life – just don’t do them and exclude your spouse from everything you’re doing.
Seems to me that items two through to five will only occur if item number one – neglect your marriage/spouse – well under way.
The other four points would be difficult to eventuate if you’re already giving your marriage the attention that it deserves.
And the sooner people realise that “being in love” is more about working out that love – daily! – rather than relying on a “feeling” of love, the stronger their marriage will be and greater the example their life together will be for their children and those around them.
Very well said, Matthew!
[...] lies and deceit so how can it be anything but destruction? I shared a couple of days ago about how adultery leads to disaster and yesterday I shared how to reduce the risks of adultery. If those points haven’t [...]
[...] adultery and those are continually my most read posts (you can read them here if you wish – part 1, part 2, and part 3). I’m not sure if I should be sad about that or glad. On one hand, [...]