Who I am
ByOne of my bloggy friends, Missy, recently wrote something that really made me do some thinking. Partly because a lot of what she wrote I could have written myself because I feel just like she does and partly because I wondered if I should be doing things differently on my own blog. Not because I think she was directing anything she said towards me or anyone else but because I wondered if I should be doing a better job of just being me on here.
Sometimes I’m afraid to share too much about myself because sometimes it seems too much of me can be a bad thing. I tend to scare people away or something. I haven’t been super successful with relationships in my life. Outside of my husband and my children, I’ve never had a relationship where somebody stuck by me no matter what. Not with parents, not with siblings, not with friends – nothing. And by being completely honest I’d have to tell you that my husband and I have had our fair share of problems as well. This year we will have been together for 20 years and I’m thrilled about that but that time has been like a roller coaster ride – up and down!
I also have this weird thing about people not knowing who I am. I don’t know why. I don’t have my name or anything like that on here but anyone who really knows me who happens to come across this blog and read very much of it would probably know exactly who was writing it. So remaining anonymous is kind of pointless in a way. (After I’d been blogging for awhile, I finally broke my anonymity and shared my name with some bloggy friends through e-mails. 
) But the thought of people I know reading this kind of scares me. I don’t want people I know in real life to read my blog. I feel like this is a place I can escape and write about anything that I want and not worry about what people might think. I feel like this is a place where people can either take me or leave me and it doesn’t really matter. Of course that kind of contradicts my second paragraph doesn’t it! 
I can’t even make sense of myself so how can anyone else! 
I went through a period recently where I felt like I had absolutely nothing to say. I thought very seriously about just giving up on blogging and moving on with my life. Sometimes I feel like I’m just wasting time and that I should be doing something else instead of spending time on the computer. In fact, I have cut the time I spend on here way down from when I first started blogging. I used to sit at the computer for several hours a day but thankfully I don’t do that anymore. Anyway, I started feeling like this whole thing was pointless – that I didn’t have anything to contribute and what I did write not many people were reading anyway. Of course, I never set out to be a blogger with thousands of followers anyway! 
But there are other times when I love being on here. I feel such a connection with some of the women that I’ve “met” on here. I’ve read some wonderful posts that have really inspired me, helped me, encouraged me or whatever the case may be. And I think, based on a few comments I’ve received, that I’ve written some posts that have helped some people. I don’t really have that many people in my life that I can just sit and talk to about just anything and it’s very helpful to me to find that on here.
I have also found myself feeling down about people in the blogging world though. I have “met” people that I’ve enjoyed commenting back and forth with but then they either stop coming around or they’ve stopped blogging all together. That kind of makes me wonder if I should take the time to invest in other people on here. Not that the people themselves aren’t worth it but what’s the point if eventually everybody is going to move on? And then there are blogs that I read and comment on but I don’t think they ever read mine – at least they don’t comment. And that’s okay. I’m not saying anyone whose blog I comment on has to come and read mine and comment but it kind of feels like a one way conversation when I continually comment on someone’s blog and I never hear from them – through a response to the comment or a comment on my own blog.
I kind of sound like a whiner now don’t I! 
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post. I just had all kinds of thoughts running through my mind after reading Missy’s post and wanted to get them out. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a nut. Missy is going to think that if she doesn’t already. I tell her way too often how much we think a like. haha! I guess maybe I wanted to let you see a glimpse of the real me. The me that struggles with so many things in life, things like: being a good wife, being a good mother, doing a good job homeschooling my kids, coaching our softball team even though I don’t feel like I’m a very good coach, keeping house like I should, cooking the kind of meals my family enjoys, being the kind of friend I should be, being the child of God that I should be, living out my faith in a way that pleases God. I also struggle with my weight, some health problems, acne problems, hormonal problems resulting in mental problems like depression or something (I’m not even sure what it is that’s wrong) and these things weigh heavily on me. I struggle with friendships, finding a church where we belong, not having benefits (like insurance), problems with my past, abandonment issues. I envy families that have great relationships with their extended family. I know that’s not all of the things I struggle with but that kind of gives you an idea of where I’m coming from.
I just keep writing and I’m not really sure how to end this. It seems like there should be a better way to close this but if there is it’s not coming to me. Maybe it’s the very late hour. 
Well, since it is really late my husband is kindly asking me to stop typing. I’ve been sitting in bed writing this and he’s trying to sleep next to me while my fingers are just moving all across the keyboard. I guess I’ll close for now and hope that those of you who actually read this all the way through aren’t bored to tears or falling asleep. Thanks for sticking with me if you are still here!
Hmmm… sounds familiar, oh wait because it sounds like me! lol
Like I told Missy, we all just need to be ourselves, goodness knows that we don’t need another thing to be stressed about…
I think things are cyclical and blogging defintely falls into that category.
Jennifer, isn’t it nice to know we’re not the only ones.
Kiva, you’re so right!! Thanks for sharing that.
Hey! I hate that you’ve been feeling that way. I have been keeping up with you and reading – just not commenting (I’ve been reading through my google reader – I’m such a blog cheater – I know…)
I also love your comments on my blog – I’m always happy when I get them. Keep blogging and just be you! I like you!
I can totally understand how you feel I’m pretty much the same. My health, home and feelings are never quite good enough and sometimes just reading your posts cheers me up a little and makes everything a little easier to deal with.
Don’t be so hard or demanding of yourself.
Haha! This is where its MY turn to say that we are so much alike! In a way its a cruel twist of fate to meet someone so like yourself and then find out they live halfway across the country, but thank goodness for the information and technology age!!
Isn’t it wonderful to know we are the freaks we think we are?!? We are all so similar under the surface in many ways, even many ways above the surface too! Lets make a pact to just be ourselves and if worse comes to worse, at least we’ll each have one reader left…each other!!
Sounds familiar. I think the devil does a good job at seperating people so that we will not realize how much we all have in common.
I have a couple of things that I would like to share if you don’t mind
First, friends (blogging or otherwise) may be in your life for a season, moment, or lifetime. If people come by and then leave don’t take it personal as they might have been placed in your life OR theirs for just a specifed time, by God, to fulfill a purpose. Don’t let the devil tell you lies on that.
Second, don’t forget your support system. Your immediate family, can’t be your only support -in my opinion. I speak from my own life and see how it dosn’t worked.
Third, don’t be afraid to ask for help if you would ever need it. You may need to dig deep into your fears behind getting close to people. Many Christian women (my Mom was one) listen to those who seem to think counseling is not Godly. This isn’t true. People that need glasses are not told to just read the Bible more!!!! Sorry..pet peeve of mine.
Finally, don’t take on guilt that you don’t deserve. That is a tool from the you know who and it keeps us in bondage and alone.
I think most women feel many of the same things you do. Don’t let satan tell you otherwise!
You are a beautiful child of GOD!!
Blessings,
Debbie aka The Real World Martha(S)
People come and go in “real life” too.. the people you know in person… I think the people you cross paths with [whether through your blog or through meeting face to face, even if it's just once] are meant to cross paths with you — probably both for your benefit and theirs, because we all have something to offer each other.
I know what you mean too, about your blog being separate from your life.. it’s so weird when people you know in person read your blog!
Anyway, I always enjoy reading what you have to say. I don’t comment all that often.. on anybody’s blog. But thanks for sharing, and keep it up!
*prayers*
WOW! I hit a hot button here didn’t I!
So many people to respond to!!
Carmen, thanks so much!! That means a lot to me. I really enjoy your blog too and have missed you since you haven’t been around as much.
Missy, you always put a smile on my face.
We’ve definitely shared our hearts with one another before so I’ll just say you have a deal – even if we do only end up with one reader each. 
Debbie, I never mind when you share!!
You are so right in what you say. I try to remember that God does only place people in our lives for a season. I will admit it’s hard sometimes though. I am definitely not one of those people who thinks counseling is bad or ungodly. We have gone to counseling several times in fact and it’s awesome! 
Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that out. It means a lot to me and I appreciate it so much.
Tara, thanks so much for your sweet words too. You’re right – it’s just the nature of things for people to come and go in our lives. I’m thankful for who I have in my life right now – including all of you wonderful girls who I’m getting to know on here!!
Amanda, hello and welcome!! Thanks for sharing your kind words too. Even though we hate feeling this way it’s nice to know we’re not alone isn’t it!
Thank you all of you for such thoughtful, heartfelt words. It really brightened my day.
You’re saying this to a man who has posted pictures of his fat self shirtless online for all to view. HA!
I must say that you must be that long lost twin people talk about having somewhere out there! I could have written this post (and many of your others) myself. Great post and BTW: I like the “real” you! Most Christian women aren’t transparent, so it’s quite refreshing to read.
Yeah, total – that’s something I would never do.
Janeen, hello and welcome! Thanks so much for your comment. It’s nice to know we’re not alone isn’t it!
If you’ve been reading for awhile I’m glad you finally commented so I could “meet” you. 
I need to go read your blog now and find out what my twin is like!! 