One of my bloggy friends, Missy, recently wrote something that really made me do some thinking. Partly because a lot of what she wrote I could have written myself because I feel just like she does and partly because I wondered if I should be doing things differently on my own blog. Not because I think she was directing anything she said towards me or anyone else but because I wondered if I should be doing a better job of just being me on here.

Sometimes I’m afraid to share too much about myself because sometimes it seems too much of me can be a bad thing. I tend to scare people away or something. I haven’t been super successful with relationships in my life. Outside of my husband and my children, I’ve never had a relationship where somebody stuck by me no matter what. Not with parents, not with siblings, not with friends – nothing. And by being completely honest I’d have to tell you that my husband and I have had our fair share of problems as well. This year we will have been together for 20 years and I’m thrilled about that but that time has been like a roller coaster ride – up and down!

I also have this weird thing about people not knowing who I am. I don’t know why. I don’t have my name or anything like that on here but anyone who really knows me who happens to come across this blog and read very much of it would probably know exactly who was writing it. So remaining anonymous is kind of pointless in a way. (After I’d been blogging for awhile, I finally broke my anonymity and shared my name with some bloggy friends through e-mails. ) But the thought of people I know reading this kind of scares me. I don’t want people I know in real life to read my blog. I feel like this is a place I can escape and write about anything that I want and not worry about what people might think. I feel like this is a place where people can either take me or leave me and it doesn’t really matter. Of course that kind of contradicts my second paragraph doesn’t it! I can’t even make sense of myself so how can anyone else!

I went through a period recently where I felt like I had absolutely nothing to say. I thought very seriously about just giving up on blogging and moving on with my life. Sometimes I feel like I’m just wasting time and that I should be doing something else instead of spending time on the computer. In fact, I have cut the time I spend on here way down from when I first started blogging. I used to sit at the computer for several hours a day but thankfully I don’t do that anymore. Anyway, I started feeling like this whole thing was pointless – that I didn’t have anything to contribute and what I did write not many people were reading anyway. Of course, I never set out to be a blogger with thousands of followers anyway!

But there are other times when I love being on here. I feel such a connection with some of the women that I’ve “met” on here. I’ve read some wonderful posts that have really inspired me, helped me, encouraged me or whatever the case may be. And I think, based on a few comments I’ve received, that I’ve written some posts that have helped some people. I don’t really have that many people in my life that I can just sit and talk to about just anything and it’s very helpful to me to find that on here.

I have also found myself feeling down about people in the blogging world though. I have “met” people that I’ve enjoyed commenting back and forth with but then they either stop coming around or they’ve stopped blogging all together. That kind of makes me wonder if I should take the time to invest in other people on here. Not that the people themselves aren’t worth it but what’s the point if eventually everybody is going to move on? And then there are blogs that I read and comment on but I don’t think they ever read mine – at least they don’t comment. And that’s okay. I’m not saying anyone whose blog I comment on has to come and read mine and comment but it kind of feels like a one way conversation when I continually comment on someone’s blog and I never hear from them – through a response to the comment or a comment on my own blog.

I kind of sound like a whiner now don’t I!

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post. I just had all kinds of thoughts running through my mind after reading Missy’s post and wanted to get them out. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a nut. Missy is going to think that if she doesn’t already. I tell her way too often how much we think a like. haha! I guess maybe I wanted to let you see a glimpse of the real me. The me that struggles with so many things in life, things like: being a good wife, being a good mother, doing a good job homeschooling my kids, coaching our softball team even though I don’t feel like I’m a very good coach, keeping house like I should, cooking the kind of meals my family enjoys, being the kind of friend I should be, being the child of God that I should be, living out my faith in a way that pleases God. I also struggle with my weight, some health problems, acne problems, hormonal problems resulting in mental problems like depression or something (I’m not even sure what it is that’s wrong) and these things weigh heavily on me. I struggle with friendships, finding a church where we belong, not having benefits (like insurance), problems with my past, abandonment issues. I envy families that have great relationships with their extended family. I know that’s not all of the things I struggle with but that kind of gives you an idea of where I’m coming from.

I just keep writing and I’m not really sure how to end this. It seems like there should be a better way to close this but if there is it’s not coming to me. Maybe it’s the very late hour.

Well, since it is really late my husband is kindly asking me to stop typing. I’ve been sitting in bed writing this and he’s trying to sleep next to me while my fingers are just moving all across the keyboard. I guess I’ll close for now and hope that those of you who actually read this all the way through aren’t bored to tears or falling asleep. Thanks for sticking with me if you are still here!